TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting awareness from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may also involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page